Saturday, November 28, 2009

It Tasted Great, If You Closed Your Eyes.

Every Thanksgiving, I convince myself that my inner domestic goddess does in fact exist, and that I must unleash her in the form of a new and exciting take on our traditional holiday dishes.

And every Thanksgiving, said domestic goddess slaps me upside the head and warns me that if I disturb her beauty sleep for something like that one more time, she'll make sure I forget how to boil an egg and how to use my silverware.

I know, she's such a bitch.

But as usual, I was feeling optimistic a few days before turkey day and I put together a thoughtful menu consisting of my family's most time-honored dishes. And by "my family" I mean, "The Food Network website."

I came across a Paula Deen stuffing recipe that looked just phenomenal. It looked like something in which I might like to bathe while lathering myself with sticks of butter and pork fat. See?

So Thursday morning, after I stuck the bird in the oven, I got to work trying to recreate this creation of She Who Got Whacked with Ham. I dried out two loaves of bread. I cooked sausage, celery and onion and mixed them with rice, Saltines and bread cubes. Just before I got it ready to go in the oven, it looked just like the picture above. I just about danced around the kitchen screaming at Betty Crocker to kiss my ass.

The last ingredient made me do a double-take. Seven - yes, seven - cups of chicken stock. Garsh, that seems like a lot, I thought. But heck, I'd come this far without screwing it up, right? I believe in you, Paula Deen! With a shrug and a "yeeee-HAW!", I dumped all seven cups into the pot at once.

Oh, the stuff-manity.

The entire thing turned to oatmeal before my horrified eyes. My inner domestic goddess laughed so hard she snorted apple martini out of her nose.

"Oh, no," I whispered. "Oh nooooooooo!"

"What?" said the BassMaster from the next room.

"I think I just ruined the stuffing," I sniffled.

"I'm sure it'll taste fine," he said.

"It was so much work," I said. As if to say, what is up with that? There were all these, like, STEPS and sh*t.

"Can I do anything to help?"

"'s just... it was so much work!"

I baked the thing for about 45 minutes longer than normal, praying it would dry itself out and resemble something more like stuffing, less like dog barf. Still, this is what I ended up with:

I know. Dog barf.

Sigh. I should have known.

On a better note, it tasted okay despite a slightly off-putting texture, and everything else I cooked turned out decent. Hope your Thanksgivings were just as happy and food-coma-inducing.

Now, if someone could just re-learn me how to boil that egg. And what is this metal stick with the pointy things on top?


LisaVan... said...

As long as it tasted good!

Kisha said...

Aw man, all that worked definitely deserved a beautiful dish! But I'm glad your Thanksgiving turned out well overall!

Kensi said...

I love to try new recipes on
Thansgiving... this year it was a new stuffing recipe.

It turned out fine, but just in case? I bought 4 canisters of Stove Top. Figured if I screwed it up... I'd have back up!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Ok, this post cracked me up! But I am very sorry that it turned out looking like barf. It had such potential...