Saturday, November 28, 2009

It Tasted Great, If You Closed Your Eyes.

Every Thanksgiving, I convince myself that my inner domestic goddess does in fact exist, and that I must unleash her in the form of a new and exciting take on our traditional holiday dishes.

And every Thanksgiving, said domestic goddess slaps me upside the head and warns me that if I disturb her beauty sleep for something like that one more time, she'll make sure I forget how to boil an egg and how to use my silverware.

I know, she's such a bitch.

But as usual, I was feeling optimistic a few days before turkey day and I put together a thoughtful menu consisting of my family's most time-honored dishes. And by "my family" I mean, "The Food Network website."

I came across a Paula Deen stuffing recipe that looked just phenomenal. It looked like something in which I might like to bathe while lathering myself with sticks of butter and pork fat. See?

So Thursday morning, after I stuck the bird in the oven, I got to work trying to recreate this creation of She Who Got Whacked with Ham. I dried out two loaves of bread. I cooked sausage, celery and onion and mixed them with rice, Saltines and bread cubes. Just before I got it ready to go in the oven, it looked just like the picture above. I just about danced around the kitchen screaming at Betty Crocker to kiss my ass.

The last ingredient made me do a double-take. Seven - yes, seven - cups of chicken stock. Garsh, that seems like a lot, I thought. But heck, I'd come this far without screwing it up, right? I believe in you, Paula Deen! With a shrug and a "yeeee-HAW!", I dumped all seven cups into the pot at once.

Oh, the stuff-manity.

The entire thing turned to oatmeal before my horrified eyes. My inner domestic goddess laughed so hard she snorted apple martini out of her nose.

"Oh, no," I whispered. "Oh nooooooooo!"

"What?" said the BassMaster from the next room.

"I think I just ruined the stuffing," I sniffled.

"I'm sure it'll taste fine," he said.

"It was so much work," I said. As if to say, what is up with that? There were all these, like, STEPS and sh*t.

"Can I do anything to help?"

"No...it's just... it was so much work!"

I baked the thing for about 45 minutes longer than normal, praying it would dry itself out and resemble something more like stuffing, less like dog barf. Still, this is what I ended up with:

I know. Dog barf.

Sigh. I should have known.

On a better note, it tasted okay despite a slightly off-putting texture, and everything else I cooked turned out decent. Hope your Thanksgivings were just as happy and food-coma-inducing.

Now, if someone could just re-learn me how to boil that egg. And what is this metal stick with the pointy things on top?

4 comments:

LisaVan... said...

As long as it tasted good!

Kisha said...

Aw man, all that worked definitely deserved a beautiful dish! But I'm glad your Thanksgiving turned out well overall!

Kensi said...

I love to try new recipes on
Thansgiving... this year it was a new stuffing recipe.

It turned out fine, but just in case? I bought 4 canisters of Stove Top. Figured if I screwed it up... I'd have back up!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Ok, this post cracked me up! But I am very sorry that it turned out looking like barf. It had such potential...